The first compliment I ever paid myself

A higher form of self-loathing

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Yet another argument about the dishes. I knew it wasn’t about the dishes, and he did not. How many times had I said that I needed help? Or that my love language was acts of service? I wasn’t sure how to deny myself again. I hurt.

Then he said it. The last thing that I thought that he could. “You never think about me. You think that this is all about you. You don’t know how to self reflect and change.”

The Drive

I got in the car with my faithful blue backpack that would give me away like Harry Potter yet again yelling ‘Expelliarmus.’ (Sorry I have no other way to describe it right now.)

It all came rushing back. My Jeep was yet again my home. I was college me. Having been spurned by love I would drive til the sun came up and listen to any angsty song that Spotify could drum up for me.

I heaved cursed words onto the freeway as muggy Houston air wooshed into the car at 60 mph on the freeway. I couldn’t say it but it bounced around in my head “You don’t know how to self-reflect.”

2 AM

Coming into the room of course he was asleep. I knew I wouldn’t banish myself to the couch so I pulled off my sticky jeans and crawled into bed.

Still couldn’t sleep but I had work in the morning and the laundry still wasn’t done.

8 AM came and after insulting myself into getting up and getting to work, I found myself on my laptop.

Confrontation

He worked in the kitchen. An hour of work passed and I went to him. After asking to talk I jumped in.

I have two things to say to you.

First.

Fuck you for saying that I am not self-reflective. That is ALL that I do and it is why I can’t stand myself.

I’m not fully sure of the second thing but I know that the aura of the words was an icy blue.

Self-Reflection

I realized in the car why that sentence hurt so much. Because it was the single atom of my existence that I prided in myself. I work to not be selfish.

When I’m asked of 3 good things about myself I normally come up with random things (I’m funny, I am a hardworker and I make a nice pie!) because I have always been told of the bad side of any of my qualities or predispositions (I take the joke too far, I don’t know when to stop and push other people too far and I made the kitchen very dirty while making that pie).

This is the first time that I have ever given myself a compliment and it came at such an unassuming time and under the guise of a red block that I was attempting to roll up a hill.